cursethecosmos:

barbiehighheels:

I want to talk about this goddamn Folgers commercial. 

Today I’ve been doing nothing but catching up on shitty television with hulu because I think the week of whiskeys has caught up to me and I am HUNGOVER and feeling paralytically ill. No amount of water or Emergen-C or cookies (shut up) have seemed to make me feel NORMAL, so I am a slug today. A slug in heart pajamas. 

Hulu knows I like coffee and paying taxes so those are the ads I get most of the time. Sometime’s there’s deodorant. 

But I have watched this MOTHERFUCKING FOLGERS COMMERCIAL maybe eight times today and each time I’m a little more unnerved by it, so excuse me, internet, while I piece it out. 

Why does she say “sister” in the beginning? I don’t understand that. Like, okay, we get it, they’re siblings, Ad-Execs, but did you think it was necessary to have them awkwardly declare it? Is the coffee demographic so dumb that you need to tell your dumb coffee audience what’s happening as it’s happening? And for that matter, could you have cast two actors that maybe aren’t so creepily attracted to each other, by the way? And I am TOTALLY not the only person who thinks that because I did a lot of Very Scientific Research reading the youtube comments on this thing and most of them were yelling INCEST. So like, there’s creepy sexual tension right off the bat. 

And, like, you see this guy and his big-ass backpack and my mind immediately jumped to the conclusion that he is back from a war- nope! Nope, that’s just a ruse! When the “sister” guilt-trips him for the parents waiting up all night, he rolls his eyes and goes, “It’s a long way from West Africa.”

Oh. 

OH. 

So I guess you’re doing some mission-work or something over there, White-Savior? Some volunteer work? And then this cracker says with his next breath after he smells the Folgers brewing, “Mmm, real coffee.”

YOU THINK THEY DON’T HAVE REAL COFFEE IN WEST AFRICA!? WERE U LOST.

So then his parents smell the coffee brewing (!??even though it was already made!!??) and they wake up and apparently have the biggest house ever because they take enough time getting from their bedroom to the kitchen for the “siblings” to have a really awkward moment. 

He hands her a present. He goes, “I brought you somethin’ from faraway.” 

(Me: YOU DIDN’T GO TO NARNIA, GUY. SHUT UP)

And when he hands it to her, it’s got this tribal-inspired wrapping paper. 

And, OKAY, if you’re doing mission work or volunteering or Peace Corps or some kind of benevolent interference, whatever, it’s never explained, but presumably you are working in different conditions than you’re used to, right, buddy? Maybe around conditions of poverty?

do 

you

think

they

have

tribal

wrapping

paper

!??!???

Because it seems to me that that kind of cultural appropriation is pretty much something we’ve cornered the market on. That looks actually looks like some Pier 1 bullshit I’ve seen on a throw pillow before.

Anyway, then she takes the bow off the present and sticks it to him and goes, “You’re my present this year.” GOD, JUST FUCK ALREADY AND GET IT OVER WITH. You can hear it in her sweet little murmur to him here. She didn’t say that with the sweetness of a sister, she said it with the shyness of a sweetheart. BAD DIRECTING DECISIONS. I AM UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THIS BECAUSE I WAS ALREADY TOLD YOU’RE SIBLINGS.

And then the parents come in, pajama-ed and perfect haired and hugging him. 

And then, Folgers. The best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup.

Have a shiny static shot of all of the Folgers this happy family has.

I AM DONE WITH FOLGERS NOW. I AM BREAKING UP WITH A BRAND OF COFFEE.

So how was your day?

Leah is my hero and I’m so glad we’re friends. Goddamn is this post funny. Made my night.